It was another of those things lodged in my brain to do, to think that.  I'm very sorry, but I was being slammed at mentally incessantly and it was hard to make a counter-judgement.  I'm sure the police would agree in this case.

What should be done with me?  What I do is done and is bad but not on purpose.  My thoughts when they slip.  My therapist doesn't say much about it but says that I'm schizo.

They are abusing me and letting everyone else run freely.

If all you care about is messing with 1st impressions, you will never get anywhere.

How am I supposed to control my thoughts?  With people banging in secret messages?  Sometimes, something comes out without my moderation.  What is that?  I really don't mean it.  In fact, I was onto being nice to someone.  You know what was said?  "You can never have them back."  On the spot.  When I was hanging my head in shame, they suddenly say that.  To make me feel even worse and like I can't be sorry or something weird.  That could have contributed to this.  Like, you can't be sorry.  Just trying to block you out thru any means.

What I Meant

Was that fate would turn around and bite them in the butt for the deep cutting and incessant insults thrown at whatever becomes important in my life for no good reason at all.  I guess my dad just wanted that fate to say something else.  He put it in my head to make me look guilty, on a flow, to be like his mom.

Why are there thought police?  I probably don't mean what I think nowadays.  Someone else did it.

cont.

I also got the fruit.  It's strawberries in chocolate mostly and pineapple shaped in a bouquet.. and 3 grapes on a sticks.

cont.

My aunt just sent me a really cute teddy bear holding a strawberry dipped in chocolate that I like.  My dad may mess with me getting cute gifts "just because 'it must be related.'"

Problem

My dad won't stop pounding mean secret messages into me when I got up and came out to eat tonight.  I didn't really mean it, but the thought came out that maybe he or someone else would get it..  I'm tired of their incessant giving in to meanness towards me for various things that aren't bad.  You know, these thoughts keep processing with me.  I didn't remember to actively ignore the beatings I felt in my head from his making noises taking out the garbage.  He even looked at me snidely when I woke up.  If other people are disposable, than so is he.

They won't leave me alone and get on with life.