Maybe, you're not mean?  I am worried it is all for my dad.

You are wrong if you think I don't have problems with my family.  You think I should be punished more for having a good family because it's easier to be good.. but they play around with my private life with others.

I don't know how to decide if something matters.

It's all secret messages.  Like, normal things that are okay but are put there to mean something else.

The "Dishonest" Label

You'd say it's right to be nice, but instead you act like I need to be punished when I've done nothing wrong to you nor at all in a way and I'm 28 years old, an adult.

It was another of those things lodged in my brain to do, to think that.  I'm very sorry, but I was being slammed at mentally incessantly and it was hard to make a counter-judgement.  I'm sure the police would agree in this case.

What should be done with me?  What I do is done and is bad but not on purpose.  My thoughts when they slip.  My therapist doesn't say much about it but says that I'm schizo.

They are abusing me and letting everyone else run freely.

If all you care about is messing with 1st impressions, you will never get anywhere.

How am I supposed to control my thoughts?  With people banging in secret messages?  Sometimes, something comes out without my moderation.  What is that?  I really don't mean it.  In fact, I was onto being nice to someone.  You know what was said?  "You can never have them back."  On the spot.  When I was hanging my head in shame, they suddenly say that.  To make me feel even worse and like I can't be sorry or something weird.  That could have contributed to this.  Like, you can't be sorry.  Just trying to block you out thru any means.

What I Meant

Was that fate would turn around and bite them in the butt for the deep cutting and incessant insults thrown at whatever becomes important in my life for no good reason at all.  I guess my dad just wanted that fate to say something else.  He put it in my head to make me look guilty, on a flow, to be like his mom.

Why are there thought police?  I probably don't mean what I think nowadays.  Someone else did it.

cont.

I also got the fruit.  It's strawberries in chocolate mostly and pineapple shaped in a bouquet.. and 3 grapes on a sticks.

cont.

My aunt just sent me a really cute teddy bear holding a strawberry dipped in chocolate that I like.  My dad may mess with me getting cute gifts "just because 'it must be related.'"

Problem

My dad won't stop pounding mean secret messages into me when I got up and came out to eat tonight.  I didn't really mean it, but the thought came out that maybe he or someone else would get it..  I'm tired of their incessant giving in to meanness towards me for various things that aren't bad.  You know, these thoughts keep processing with me.  I didn't remember to actively ignore the beatings I felt in my head from his making noises taking out the garbage.  He even looked at me snidely when I woke up.  If other people are disposable, than so is he.

They won't leave me alone and get on with life.

Why do people respect my dad, when I am just living my life, they play games and bring him into mine.  No one has *** with their dad.  And I'm NOT talking about older men, neither, to have ***.  It's a no.  I would only do it for the tradition.

My dad won't stop being rude to me periodically and then ricocheting back.  I feel reverberations from the past before.  He does it in a way no one here tends to notice.

My dad keeps acting like I'm bad.  The normal response would be..  And don't threaten to attack me because you know what the next thing is.  You all won't let him be nice to me.

For some people not even wanting to have any kids, you sure have strange dreams and ideals set up for your life and in your mindset the eyes of others.

Something Normal People'd Like to Know

Does someone have a problem with me?

Lemme guess, my dad?  Well, he doesn't have a right to do that.  Another certain someone?  They don't know enough to.  Not by me!

People are being lazily sneaky with me.  Really, just look at this.  Ever since you kicked me outta Music Education, you've been onto "sneaky."

I can see the satisfaction these actions can bring.

I am left alone in the dark with people pelleting things at me.  What if I said no to you?  My life is set to be perfect for me.