How do I solve my problems if every time I write down something, something else happens?

I'm not doing this.  You be mean to me and say someone gets something I don't and I don't do anything wrong and you get mad.

These people in my room spout random insults.

Apology

Sorry if over on Facebook you are upset at what I said @ Bella Thorne.  I wasn't trying to attack her.  It's obvious.

I don't like people secretly telling me I do things wrongly when I don't.  I'm not answering to mistakes from the past every day.

Apology

I only have the right to be mad with myself.  I don't know who dunnit.  Even if they did, I dunno whose fault it was.  I am not asking for "forgiveness."

I've been trying to avoid "fighting."  That's why I'm not like all talking about this, plus I had a revelation it was a waste of my time when I went thru a phantasmagoria.

Of course, it's insulting messages.  I welcomed them to leave before.

Do you know people who just can't be quiet and get out?  That's what it's like when the people experimenting on me always mess with how the computer loads like I need them to talk to me.

What's so amazing about telling me I did something wrong when I didn't?  You think I was so bad when you annoyed me and I kept hitting my couch.

Who Done What

Knowest Not I, but they aren't going to be very happy.  Why?  Cuz I don't care what they say.

I'm weird

I should not have been so upset about the talking.

People make me mad.  I already explained myself, at least partly.  How would anyone even know what happened?

So, I get told something insulting, like I'm just to be tossed aside.  I kept flaring at myself on the inside in my room in my bed.  People keep insulting me in what they say, like I wanna follow a string of messages.  I did actually manage to not tell myself the truth.  The truth I still do not know to myself.  So, I was dodging getting too upset.  What was mentioned about someone more innocent was just an accident and barely breathed out.  I told myself what was done was wrong to quell my anger.  I got upset at the root of the blame, but I've been trying to hold back.  I couldn't land this nonsense anywhere.  I've been stolen from my esteem.  I don't wanna be bugged by the people talking to me in my room nor my parents!  This isn't the 1-way ticket out.  If you don't like me and just be nice to me to act like Johnny Depp, fine, but I can call the police.

I already told myself I had what I needed, but you people keep being the ones to tell me otherwise!

Why are these people talking to me meanly like this while I type?

Mad

I dunno who done what, but I had a mad reaction.

I don't think it's "cute," and I don't think it's "funny."

I guess no one cares who done what, long as it's been done.

You can't have a say in my life if I can't have a say in the world.

Would I do outlandish things to myself if I felt bad about what I did?  Does anyone have a right to try to make another person feel bad?

If you wonder why I look how I do it's cuz I haven't been out day in and day out.  I'm not reduced to nothing really.  That's why I need to work on school.  I won't be sedentary.

I did not do anything to anyone badly.  I am just a problem for others.  I just wanna coast thru my days now, but I can't.

They are disturbing me in private, again.

Apology?

What happened to make for such a bad day?

I wanted to be nice to Dad, but on the inside kept making me mad.  His driving off-ed one of my eyes.  Someone may have told him to hurt me for a silly reason or because of silly people.  People in Orlando I can say easily are very off.

Very sorry, I should not be out of it.  I go to bed, everything is fine, I forget.  Help me now.

Also, about the California comment, lotta people know and have problems, not pointing anyone out.

Did you know I am a little sick and delusional?

I guess it was a big accident.

My dad left me hanging.  I was thinking how normal people can fun @ curse words, like construction workers, army, etc.  They think they are so smart.  My dad on purpose bothered me in secret message about touching someone, surprised me.  I thought of cursing again more carefully and it came up but not in context of a sentence.

I'm so sorry for if I should not have said anything.  I'm sure there was something good I should say.  I dunno really what others think of this.

I had a phantasmagoria when I was on pain killers for my spine for 12 hours in bed trying to sleep.  I heard Dr. Phil or someone telling me I want this now that now in lapses, in between.  I have been trying to exercise not doing this/relaxing.  I cannot get a hold of those thoughts.  I just wait as if for the Messiah.

Maybe alas it's time to rest.  I am ready to have fun.  I guess it'll be a 1 person party.

Why are people racist to me?  Aren't there things other than that to notice?  I'm not the only type of monkey.  It's like I'm offensive.  Why am I talking back if others don't suffer racism?  Just been wondering.

I feel like I'm being teased about something I didn't do.  I'm so sad.

I guess I should not have had anything against anyone now.  What is done, what I've said, no one cares when they should be outta this mess.  I can see it coming.  I mean when I say I have a problem with something.  None of this was like this before.  I stand in general where I stand.

Too late to be sorry, waw waw waw.

Sorry?  It was partly me and maybe partly just an accident.

I like being Caucasion and attractive.

Why did you pay attention to me but just get mad too easily?

What's do cute and convenient in disowning me if something upsets me?

Why are people who love to California so mean or annoying?

You don't have to pay attention to me.

Just tell me what I really say so I can fix it.  If no one can do that, ya'll don't care.

Supposedly, I don't know whose fault it is.

It doesn't matter if I don't get attention, but I don't like this game of people pushing me around.  It's also like feeling I'm a failure.

Why are people mean to me when I get the attention I need or appreciate?

Why are people telling me what I ^really^ said?

Why have I lost at least 3 relationships to someone being other people's "spitting image" in the situation at least racially?

I was trying to be quiet but guess that does nothing, "relatively speaking."  I am trying to avoid talking about someone, but this seems to be happening in general and of interest.

If I Could Do It Differently/What I Did

I don't wanna be bothered for petty mishaps and felt ashamed.

I guess I'd try to forget about it.  There's nothing to think.  What?  Oh, I see, it's a discipline tool.

You just wanna be mean to me all the time.  What if that happened to you.  Don't give me none of your nonsense.

This just proves  you all actually think this is an opportunity to be racist.

So, tell me, how would you feel if it was you being picked on when  you think you're staying popular by picking on me, anyone?  This is outrageous and outlandish.  I am getting messages from Ellen via people right and left supposedly cuza my dad, which I won't accept.

Apology

I came home from college sick.  I was startled with a laced insult.  I got mad but missed a lot of the targets.  I understand if you think I'm unfit.  You don't have to pay attention to me.  Sorry, for the targets I sorta got.  It was a mistake, a known one at the time.  I just didn't know what to think and was too late but after didn't think anything.

Contest

I could get confused by you and do one thing wrong and I'd be out.

Ellen DeGeneres

I find her "unforgiving" in an impersonal way, and she'd think you were making fun of Hitler if you said she herself has things that would then not be forgiven.  I think she's the type that's afraid to dip her toes in the water.  I don't like how she's like my dad secretly getting into others's business.

By saying she is unforgiving I'm not implying perversion but the basic fact that if you do something wrong you're out.  That really wouldn't be convenient for her, almost perfect she thinks other than not forgiving others as Jesus said, a simple task in everyday life.

Then, she follows the new ways of people like my Gramma, to "leave no stone unturned."  People are allowed to be upset, especially if someone is trying to hurt people.  Can anyone prove me wrong?  If you could, you should not be mad at me and hurt me emotionally.  Then, you'd simply relapse into the saying, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me."  I mean relapse as in you'd think this and then forget what I just said.

I refuse to live in a world where your mouth only remains in a simple smile.  That's not this world.  I don't think Jesus smiles much.

So, ya, anyone can help me with this?  You know how to come in contact with me (like my forum.)

I said I was sorry but was very mad.  I know this plan was made because of something I did where I was mad, too.  Why don't I have the right to be mad?  I like my dad, but he is mean.  I get mad.  How can I deal with this nonsense?

I don't really know what to say.  I didn't mean to be mean to anyone.  Too bad that word "k***" keeps coming up, but I don't mean to end someone.

Sorry for the mean thoughts?  Looks like you already got back, tho.

Yer always mean to me.

You all don't process information.

Seriously, you all are just being mean to me for my dad.  DUH THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.

It's all too often.  Why do I deserve to have these things brought up with me?

They are randomly saying things that bother me.

STOP ANNOYING ME AND THREATENING ME.

OK get this, this person is mean to me.

I should go back to bed.  I can't even relax with all these insults.  Why are they now getting me mad every day?

I'm not here to settle the childish qualms others can't resist displaying towards me, such as being mean to me when they think I could have done something just absolutely perfect.  If you make me mad was not because I did it on my own!

LEAVE ME ALONE

Problem

They won't leave me alone.

How do you explain this?  This proves they are bad.  Someone must have agreed that the experimenters bother me.

What right do you have to talk to me secretly?  What if we don't like each other or I don't take to you exactly?

Help!

They made me very upset this morning.  I ended up going thru the word "k***" but set apart to represent it to something else.  I feel as though I can't trust people.  All the really cool people condone me.  I can't get out of this sassing that someone I trust said something mean to me via secret message some other person, be it the people experimenting on me.  I'm just kinda mad in general.  I know it's not just to help me.

I ended my note on that other people are nice to someone but not me, racially, not that the person did anything wrong.  Well, not that someone else did, neither.

Why don't you quit monitoring me?  You're a criminal.  And you're making fun of how I say it, too.

If my old friends don't have to talk to me but still seem to overshadow my life, why do I have to have *** with or be m******* by my dad?

Look at all these people who threw their life away for him!

No hard feelings.

Maybe, you're not mean?  I am worried it is all for my dad.

You are wrong if you think I don't have problems with my family.  You think I should be punished more for having a good family because it's easier to be good.. but they play around with my private life with others.

I don't know how to decide if something matters.

It's all secret messages.  Like, normal things that are okay but are put there to mean something else.

The "Dishonest" Label

You'd say it's right to be nice, but instead you act like I need to be punished when I've done nothing wrong to you nor at all in a way and I'm 28 years old, an adult.

It was another of those things lodged in my brain to do, to think that.  I'm very sorry, but I was being slammed at mentally incessantly and it was hard to make a counter-judgement.  I'm sure the police would agree in this case.

What should be done with me?  What I do is done and is bad but not on purpose.  My thoughts when they slip.  My therapist doesn't say much about it but says that I'm schizo.

They are abusing me and letting everyone else run freely.

If all you care about is messing with 1st impressions, you will never get anywhere.

How am I supposed to control my thoughts?  With people banging in secret messages?  Sometimes, something comes out without my moderation.  What is that?  I really don't mean it.  In fact, I was onto being nice to someone.  You know what was said?  "You can never have them back."  On the spot.  When I was hanging my head in shame, they suddenly say that.  To make me feel even worse and like I can't be sorry or something weird.  That could have contributed to this.  Like, you can't be sorry.  Just trying to block you out thru any means.

What I Meant

Was that fate would turn around and bite them in the butt for the deep cutting and incessant insults thrown at whatever becomes important in my life for no good reason at all.  I guess my dad just wanted that fate to say something else.  He put it in my head to make me look guilty, on a flow, to be like his mom.

Why are there thought police?  I probably don't mean what I think nowadays.  Someone else did it.

cont.

I also got the fruit.  It's strawberries in chocolate mostly and pineapple shaped in a bouquet.. and 3 grapes on a sticks.

cont.

My aunt just sent me a really cute teddy bear holding a strawberry dipped in chocolate that I like.  My dad may mess with me getting cute gifts "just because 'it must be related.'"

Problem

My dad won't stop pounding mean secret messages into me when I got up and came out to eat tonight.  I didn't really mean it, but the thought came out that maybe he or someone else would get it..  I'm tired of their incessant giving in to meanness towards me for various things that aren't bad.  You know, these thoughts keep processing with me.  I didn't remember to actively ignore the beatings I felt in my head from his making noises taking out the garbage.  He even looked at me snidely when I woke up.  If other people are disposable, than so is he.

They won't leave me alone and get on with life.

Why do people respect my dad, when I am just living my life, they play games and bring him into mine.  No one has *** with their dad.  And I'm NOT talking about older men, neither, to have ***.  It's a no.  I would only do it for the tradition.

My dad won't stop being rude to me periodically and then ricocheting back.  I feel reverberations from the past before.  He does it in a way no one here tends to notice.

My dad keeps acting like I'm bad.  The normal response would be..  And don't threaten to attack me because you know what the next thing is.  You all won't let him be nice to me.

For some people not even wanting to have any kids, you sure have strange dreams and ideals set up for your life and in your mindset the eyes of others.

Something Normal People'd Like to Know

Does someone have a problem with me?

Lemme guess, my dad?  Well, he doesn't have a right to do that.  Another certain someone?  They don't know enough to.  Not by me!

People are being lazily sneaky with me.  Really, just look at this.  Ever since you kicked me outta Music Education, you've been onto "sneaky."

I can see the satisfaction these actions can bring.

I am left alone in the dark with people pelleting things at me.  What if I said no to you?  My life is set to be perfect for me.

So

I did some thinking, sorry, and hope for a better day tomorro'!

Apology

Today, it started out 2 black girls, one very obese and one very short were tagging at me like I was nothing tho.  I shoulda just realized they were colored and not get mad in that way.  Sometimes, I don't know what to do about things like that.

Apology

I was trying to talk about someone nicely with my dad, but I had some thought of restraint from them.  I will try not to.

Apology

My head really was damaged, that's why I yelled, the movie theater was a 3 ring circus at the Sponge Bob Movie.  My chair was bumped like 5 separate times.

I'm sorry I acted out in uncontrolled ways at the psychiatrist.  I didn't know what to do but for some reason thought I might do something.

I am very sorry I went straight to the source so-to-speak in wondering if someone nice damaged my head.  I'm sure there was a reason, but I don't have the guts to do that to someone.  I tried not to be vicious, but it came out maybe that's why I was so mad, that someone so nice would do that.  My head!  I'm sorry, but my head.. I am trying to be sorry.  I feel something is missing.  Oh yes, I want to figure out why I seem so mean to someone else.  I guess I should submit that I was stupid but not purposely mean.  Take whatever restraint from me you must for whatever was not meant to be.

:(

Well whoever.  I don't mean to say it's someone who didn't do it.  I don't wanna attack people for being mean to me, neither.  It just ends up in a fight.

Problem

I will not have my world controlled by a wacko mean person, one who intimidates my relationships but not who usually does..

Today at the movies during Sponge Bob a lady walked behind me who was fat with a very large rear end.  She hit the back of my chair and it hurt my head.  I yelled at te people in the food part and they sent someone in.  I had just came out earlier to tell on the cough chain with mostly little kids.

My dad is giving me a hard time again, thinking I can't have a relationship cuz I was mad they mighta did it.

There's not really saying I can't be in a relationship if I hit something like my sofa or ask someone in public why they're looking at me.  What about when the people all said I can't have the relationship when I could?  Moving in my chair seems to be feeding the frenzy.  So what?  That lady was up to no good anyway.  I didn't hurt anyone.  I wanted to get away.  And when I hit the table, I hit it no more for I have a computer sitting on it.  I have a stress relief toy.  I do it sometimes just to prevent things from happening to know I have that outlet if I feel bad, like a comfort.  What do you do when you are upest?  I know the mascot for this decision about taunting me is from someone who's often notorious for being in a bad mood and in language, which strangely has come to an all-around total halt due to older age?  So what?  My dad and sisters still think fondly of their alcoholic dad who passed away long ago.  Their mom is grumpy all the time and says, "Oh, nuts," and is rough.  My mom was being rough the whole car ride.  I found when I don't feel good and can't remember how to deal with things, I'll "deal with it," so-to-speak.  "If you want something done, you must do it, yourself."

Let's just talk about the chair.  I scooted up in it.  It was probably my subconcious because the lady was sneakily annoying me by moving in the chair behind me touching the one I was in.  So what if it squeaked by accident?

OK, OK, so I seemed in a bad mood.  It was cold outside and I was crazy on what to do.  It started off, too, if you are interested, when I made shuffling noises with my feet to negate a weird secret message, like in a dream state.  They were making fun of my dad.  Well, they tried to say I was like him, like they were "in the program" cuz my mom was driving all nasty.  The n word came to mind by accident and shouldn't have when my mom seemed to wanna see me naked.  I didn't mean it and was fine in a way.  My mom wouldn't stop being incessant about that I had to be like my dad and not her in a bad way, the bad ways.  The whole drive over!  I could sense it and I didn't wanna.  The whole drive was like "a trip."  So, I come out.  My mom had acted like she could not trust me, already.  I go in.  I sit, I'm fine.  My mom sits far from me where we usually sit, too?  What did I do?  The n word thing?  That's because people are watching me.  I don't seem to think it much alone outside.

I didn't hit the table with my computer on it.  That's mainly what this was about.  Go set some rules, now that it's too late.  No one ever said I couldn't shuffle my feet nor ask why someone is looking at me like I'm nothing.  The chair thing happened when these kids kept making little agitating noises that I could not have a relationship for asking why someone was looking at me.  Imagine if a little girl did what I just did.  She'd be a hero.  This is like the rape case where the guy goes to jail for life whereas the murderer who turned himself in gets rewarded for only 27 years.  What if they caught him before turning himself in?  What about when the people executed a guy who came in with a positive attitude but was a murderer?  Not all murderers get executed.

Also, it's none of your business if I make a statement.  I didn't do anything violent.  What about those boys making little agitated talk like I can't have a relationship and threatening to spread the rumor?  I can't have that.  Moving in my chair didn't help that way.  I wonder why I did it?  Just like the other things I do.

Then, I proceeded to zip my zipper up loudly when it was my turn.  That wasn't like throwing a magazine across the room.  What about all these other people in relationships who led a life of havoc??

Apology

Was I supposed to recognize something different that someone else might think it who has a right to?  If you want, I take it back.  It's not what I meant, tho.  You can do as you like in how yu treat me or avoid me for this.

The people watching me get mean and feel they have to talk back.

Why won't they be quiet?

Liar, you're pretending I'm backtalking someone.  You sound so tacky and annoying and I'm tired of your excuses.  You're just setting me on edge.  Go do it to someone else?

They said something suggestive to me, "Christina, may you lose your eyesight!"  That's not how it works!

What if I don't want this cooky person acting all cooky around me all the time with secret messages in little noises in my room and on my computer?  Ya'll think I am not worth anything.  How dare you!  I am trying to calm down.

Problem

I'm 28.  I don't need mean people as my parents.

Problem

You can't mess with what I feel.  That makes people m*********.

Problems

1st, I imagined k***ing myself.  These thoughts against others would/do not do.

So, I got up.

I wanted to say I'm stuck here thinking of things that don't matter.

I can't have my dad and older aunt thinking I can't have a relationship with someone if they don't like some thing I do or if  I do something I in the end/really know is wrong.  So what if I'm in a relationship?  My Gramma thinks so, too.  Stop making me feel guilty.  My dad also has a peeve I should not see my relatives and he was supported in this by someone else.  They are mean people who refuse to show me any feeling.  They don't show it in the right way now that I'm not as inhibited.

OK I'm trying to go to bed.  Sure they will pull something else.   I was fine alone laboriously ironing a full load of jackets and sweaters and more.

Problem

They just made a noise that made my nose feel like bored thru and slimy.  Stop messing with my nose.  It feels like it's elevated with air.

Dear Problems Blog

I thought it'd be a nice night until I felt upset messages when I heard my dad cough.  I didn't mean to think anything that bad.  Trying to feel good about my self and go to sleep.